The Devil’s Larder | Jim Crace

Here’s a book I had a fun time with recently:

Anthropology – in numbers

Anthropology is a collection of 101 super-short, lovelorn tales, as told by Dan Rhodes.

At first, it appears to be dominated by fantastically beautiful girls that leave, often quite suddenly, leaving a trail of broken menfolk in their collective wake.

And it is.

But rest assured that some of the girls simply die, or lose their minds, or get lost at sea, adding a touch of variation to the proceedings.

Here’s how it breaks down:

Girlfriends that leave = 20

Girlfriends that die, or are already dead = 6

Far-too-beautiful girlfriends = 11

Girlfriends for whom smoking is their main/only pastime = 4

Creepy/lovestruck girlfriends = 3

Heartbreaker girlfriends = 26

Unfaithful girlfriends  = 12

Mean girlfriends = 6

Kidnapped girlfriends = 1

Plain-looking girlfriends = 2

Not-so-bright girlfriends = 5

Girlfriends of questionable sanity = 6

Lost at sea = 1

Washed up ashore = 1

Happy couples = 4

Intelligent girlfriends = 1

Unemployed girlfriends = 3

 

Find a proper-ish review on Hand+Star

Sarah Who? Oh, yeah.

So apparently some chick called Sarah had her inbox outed last week.  Word on the street is she’s in Politics so it’s a gotta be a juicy haul (expect, actually, it’s not – the juicy bits have been filtered out, leaving us with non-tasty dregs).  I personally couldn’t care less about what she sends across the digital strings that hold our little world together, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be shoved in our faces all the same.  As always, Charlie says it best, “Gleeful reports saying ‘ha ha she ordered a sunbed!’ So fucking what? I don’t like Sarah Palin, but I don’t like this either.”^[ii]

Here’s what we have learnt from this shameful frenzy:

• Palin thought Obama said made some good points during his campaign and that he is good at speaking
• She is able to write at an eighth grade level, making her a ‘solid’ communicator (as a point of reference, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address scored 9.1 on the same scale, and Martin Luther King, Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech scored 8.8.)
• ‘Alaskanisms’ are woefully underused
• Scandalous gossip made her think about quitting (but alas, our little trooper stood firm)
• Palin is wary of the media (an apparent ‘flaw’).  She is also ‘ambitious’ (shocking for a would-be presidential candidate)
• The phrase ‘holy frippin’ crap’ is almost endearing and sure to be ping ponging itself all over the shop by now
• God is called upon to help with the big Qs
• These are all things we mostly already knew

Fluff and frenzy aside, it’s interesting how some papers, including the Washington Post, New York Times and the Guardian, invited readers to do the hard work for them, offering a once-in-a-lifetime chance to whittle away our futile lives by trawling through Ms Palin’s not-so-dirty laundry.  Already, those with far too much time and very little life have flocked to the Guardian to throw in their sterling’s worth of two cents after wading through the dishwater-dull waters of the raw data – 24,199 papery pages of it.

In return for their drudgery, these folk get to see a little something for themselves before the story has been spun through the laptops of journos worldwide.  Yes, it’s boring and painful and pointless, but let’s not forget that the mass media is mostly evil and mediates all of our infotaining fodder.  Just break down the word ‘representation’ if you think I’m being weird (or even worse, wrong).  That’s right; everything we see, read and hear is being re-presented and re-packaged for easy consumption and so is only ever someone else’s take on a story (even the word ‘story’ implies that a narrative is being placed on much larger chunks of information).  This may have been a mere case of large-scale delegation, but it’s sort of nice that us non-media folk had a chance to play, and uh, would now rather be spoon-fed from now on. Victory is… um … not quite ours.

[ii] If you scroll rilly rilly far down @charltonbrooker’s twitter feed, you’ll be sure to find it.

FYI – this is ‘late’ because I had to wait for Nameless People to reject it before reclaiming for my own, ever pointless, ends.

Bad Idea #32 – Rent A Puppy

Is there a puppy-shaped hole in your Sunday afternoon?  Want the fun without the faeces?  You could get a puppy and leave it in Battersea when you’re bored… OR … you could rent a puppy for a day, half day or weekend.  Guilt-free puppy antics for all!*

• Choose from tiny dogs, lumpy dogs, hairy dogs and ones that can be programmed to whisper your name.**
• All puppies probably don’t have worms, fleas, or rabies.  Some items may have incurred minor emotional and structural damage (discounts ahoy!).
• Want a pup with extra pep?  Super zany puppies are available for a one off top-up fee.

Since this service is subject to a smidgeon of scrutiny by law-abiders, we only accept cash payments, sans receipt.  Simply email us your phone number and we’ll take care of the rest.

…

*After payment has cleared, of course.  Those who can’t stump up the cash cannot take advantage of short-term puppy love.

** Until a diverse range of puppies are sourced and sanitised, choice is limited to black puppies that answer to ‘Harold’.

Buy A New Lung / Tesco Special Offers From The Future Times

No one is made to last forever, but doesn’t mean you can’t buy a little more time.

Get a new lease of life with a new lung and suck in a few extra hours. Liver had enough? Chuck a new one in your trolly and get trashed like you’re 14 all over again.  Bliss.

Our extensive range of Value organs means it’s more affordable than ever before to make do and mend.  All items are harvested within 5 days of maturation and approved by the British Organ Relocation Authority.

If you fancy something a little special, treat yourself to something from our Finest range.  Each organ is grown from prime infant stock and guaranteed to last a good five years – subject, of course, to proper aftercare.

Our installation fee varies from item to item, depending on the complexity of the transition.  Compatibility tests are essential in order to determine the suitability of the hosting environment. To get the greatest benefit from your new Tesco organ we recommend you choose from our competitively priced reconciliation and acclimatisation packages.*

Buy one get one free on eyeballs and testicles of all sizes – mix & match for great deals on head-to-toe modifiation.

This month we’re offering triple points for every kidney – save up for a new heart in time for summer and impress friends and family with some good ol’ get up and go.

* Details available upon request.

*Subject to availability.

*Terms and conditions apply.

Hypothetical Letters From Supermarkets: Sainsbury’s + Purchasing Trends

Ref: 9001-43-AA

Dear Valued Customer,

Your Nectar usage report has flagged up a repeat purchase of a particular item: in the past [30] days you have purchased [16] bottles of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95).  For high volume and high frequency purchases of this nature, we are legally obligated to write to you.

We are sure you are one of the many responsible UK consumers who drinks alcoholic beverages in moderation, but to ensure you continue to make informed choices regarding your consumption, we have enclosed a handy guide that helps you keep taps on the number of appropriate alcoholic units.  Simply select your drink of choice – in your case Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) – and turn the wheel to reveal the daily allocated number of units.  We are sure you are aware that this figure is a recommended limit, rather than a goal.

We are, of course, aware that the most likely scenario is simply that you, valued customer, appreciate the excellent value Sainsbury’s offers on branded alcoholic products and are merely stocking up for the summer (garden parties ahoy!) with the intention of sharing your [16] litres of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) with a great number of close friends and/or work related acquaintances.

If this is indeed the case, we’d like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention some other products from the Russian Standard range which may be of interest:

Russian Standard Platinum - “Upping the ante on perfection, this sensuous elixir blends timeless savoir-faire with state-of-the-art sophistication.” Introductory Offer! 1 litre for £15.00 (usually priced at £21.98)

Russian Standard Imperia – “The ultimate distillation of years of experience and vodka science, brought together with an exciting dash of Russian Standard élan, Imperia is the definitive luxury vodka of its era.” Introductory Offer! 1 litre for £25.00 (usually priced at £34.75)

On the off chance that you are in fact consuming [16] litres of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) at an alarming rate, we have also enclosed some NHS literature, a nifty little flip-book of what your liver will look like in 2, 6 and 12 months’ time, plus details of your nearest AA Meeting.  We value your loyal custom, and appreciate that prolonging your life is financially advantageous. Consider us your friend.

On an unrelated note, you may also be pleased to learn that our own brand of vodka is a mere £8.83 per litre and can be found in our Basics range.

Little Does He Know …

Yesterday, during a Sunday stroll through Highgate Cemetery (the £3.00 bit), I wandered by a delightfully book-shaped headstone (in fact, dear reader, it was fashioned in the guise of a shelf laden with four books, arranged all wonky, just like in the home). Having snagged my interest, I stopped for a moment to investigate the stone in question.  Low and behold, the stone belonged to a fellow we used to know and love from TV times gone by.  They also have a giant Marx head, but in lieu of suitable video footage, here’s a little something from Mr Beadle …

Courtesy of VHS (and youtube) the very best of Beadle “from the comfort of your own home.”

Would-be Writer’s Master Class – how not to be a Performance Poet

Performance poets are well sexy right now.  You don’t have to be a poet to get a piece of the action – just follow these handy guidelines and start winning slams all over the shop.

Be not alarmed by the portentous premise of ‘poetry’ – the key word here is actually the other one.  That’s right, it’s all about the PERFORMANCE.  See how we put that bit in block caps? That’s because being a performer means being larger than life; you need to get right up in people’s awestruck little faces and grind them to dust.

Persona

First things first – decide who you are.  This is not the same as who you actually are.  A healthy dose of reinvention will be required, as, let’s face it, no one want’s to see a mumbling writerly type stumbling around on stage and squinting at their notes.  A bold and snappy stage name is essential.  A costume is not.

Themes

You will be expected to say things.  Rhyme & rhythm will prompt the masses to jizz buckets o’ brownie points your way, but in case anyone’s listening closely to the actual words, you can capitalise by paying lip service to a Hot Topic.  Making reference to hardship, degradation, and suicide always go down nicely.  Think ‘acceptable’ controversy, sticking it to man (still a winner) and tantalising tales straight from the streets. For the love of God, do not recite something delicate, nuanced or quietly affecting.  No one wants to hear about your feelings, no matter how profound or subtle you’re being.  Alas, the stage does not welcome understatement.  By and by, if you fancy doing stand-up but with some rhyming couplets, that’s all good.  Be sure to throw in some vaguely political asides for good measure.

Delivery

This is essential – the stage is hot for style but indifferent to substance.  If you can rap, you’re sorted.  Failing that, speaking rilly rilly fast and laying down some fat, ultra-loud rhymes will evoke a similar degree of appreciation.  Don’t worry if you’re rendered incoherent, the audience will simply assume that you’re spewing something clever and edgy.  Incidentally, it should go without saying that memorising your text is the only way to be taken seriously; failing that, reciting from your iphone or stuff scribbled on your had (‘I wrote this one on the way here’) is just about acceptable.  Bringing a notebook or – god forbid – folder with lovingly plastic-walleted pages, is a big no no.  On occasion you may spy a ‘published poet’ performing something from their collection/pamphlet/chapbook, but rest assured they are almost certainly an uber-twat. Or a member of the coveted elite, depending on your stance.

Gesticulation

Don’t forget to do this.  Moving your body to emphasise your message can’t ever go wrong. Flailing around erratically and decsending into the rapt crowd is a killah move if done near the end of your set.  Consider it your climax - choreograph with care.

Promotion

This is the fun bit.  Stick a mugshot of your mug with a mic in pleasing proximity on facebook and update whenever you do a new slam.  Love it up with other performers to build up a nifty little following.  Obsess over maxing up more fans whilst pretending you’re all about being niche, yah.

Inner Angst

Yeah, that ain’t going nowhere.  Stick your head down a toilet (preferably fresh with vomit) whenever you can steal a ‘moment’ and lament how there will never be sufficient acclaim to feel accepted and understood.  You are a poet; carry your burden with grace.

Romantic Entanglements

Will you score?  Inevitably. Just be aware that practically everyone else on the circuit (yup, including the so called audience) will be another of your kind.  If they’re an aspiring poet, they’ll resent your superior skills, and if (hypothetically, of course) their rhymes outshine yours… either way, there’s zero scope for anything long-term here.  The other minefield is skanking it up too much and having no neutrals left in your circle.  When this occurs, it’s time to try out another city.  Tell people you’re On Tour.

Bertie

Bertie is a succulent.

Bertie sits on my desk and whispers comforting secrets near to my right ear.

Bertie inspires in me a fierce love yet unknown to my humble heart.

Bertie is not named after the king in the film people have been viewing of late.

Bertie is not Veronica, the sister succulent left to languish at a Homebase in NW10.

It is too late for Veronica, but Bertie is safe, Bertie is mine.

Would-be Writer’s Master Class – Lesson One

Lesson One: Define Yourself

Congratulations – you’ve decided to join the literary elite.  That’s a very big and brave decision, so you should probably go get yourself a tasty beverage and have a little rest before attempting to negotiate your way towards the next step.

[...]

Now that you’re feeling suitably refreshed, it’s time to make yet another big decision and choose your writing identity.  This is very important as it will help dictate your style, work pattern, and what to put on your shiny new business cards.  Because we understand how scary and downright baffling the glorious (yet harsh) world of words can be, we have penned a special list of options, just for you.  We suggest you have a proper look and then treat yourself to a hearty chunk of thinking time.  It’s okay to consume another beverage whilst doing this.

Compulsive - ‘If I don’t scribble down my insightful slices of wit/genius/woe right now my mind will literally implode in a sticky, angst-ridden mess.’  The compulsive may not necessarily enjoy their craft – many even loathe it – but feel they have no choice.  Imagine, if you will, a body on fire:  that is the compulsive.  Writing is akin to stepping under a cold shower; an otherwise non-fun activity that provides necessary respite from the burning pain at the very base of their soul. It is their calling.

Tortured genius – Similar to above, but with the possibility that their observations are indeed interesting and insightful.  This burden is understandably difficult to endure, such are the limits of your feeble human form.  Try to avoid seeking solace in alcohol, opium or whatever sweet release propositions itself.  Your reward will come in another life.

Drunk/junkie – Tries to justify zeal for oblivion by posing as a writer, but evidence of their craft is usually ‘destroyed’ in angry bouts of self-loathing.

Dreamer – ‘I want to write, but I just don’t know what about…’  Otherwise known as Not a Writer.

Delusionist – Mistakes their prolific output for works of art and has yet to realise that friends are posting their work on point-and-laugh sites.  The literary equivalent of a car crash, except where the driver thinks they’re still driving.

Good poet – Evokes various elements of the human condition in an array of elegant and quietly affecting musings.

Bad poet – Believes that they are doing the above simply by omitting punctuation and capital letters.

Memoir miserablist – Taints the literary world with details of their oft fabricated abusive/difficult childhood and/or time in rehab.  A self-righteous tone is essential; ditto details of horrific depravity coupled with triumph of the human spirit.  Spreading your misery over a series of books is an inspired way of bumping up your notoriety and royalties.

One-time wonder – Breaks through with a lifetime’s labour of love.  They may only have one novel inside them, but they have the sense to make it a damn good one. Relatives usually mob up the cash after an untimely demise.

Obsessive  - The computer programmer of literature: they embody the quasi mythical idea of a ‘real’ writer, leaving their musty writing space only when their devoted man-slave comes to air out the room and remove bottles of urine and what not.  Unlike the Compulsive, the Obsessive enjoys writing for its own sake.  Their sheer drive ensures that even the most talentless hack is likely to improve their skill (or lack thereof) over time.  They have clocked up their 10,000 hours before they hit puberty, whilst the rest of the scene was still immersed in navel gazing folly. Once their genius reaches its inevitable peak, they will be forced to publish under a myriad of jazzy pseudonyms so as not to flood the unsuspecting market.

Talentless hack – Are full aware that they lack skill and imagination, but find a way to get crowd-pleasing sludge out into the world.  Again, and again, and again.  They have a formula and – hackneyed as it may well be – stick to it and reap the rewards of multiple literary offenses. The Hack often crosses paths with the Memoir Miserablist.

Slacker – Lives on the margins of a society they both love and hate, but is too lazy or dedicated to rejecting the twisted ideals of their parents to pen down their biting analysis of the hypocrisy and farce all around them to actually write anything of substance.  Opportunists hover nearby to hoover up tasty sound bites.

Angry young man – Young, angry, and goddamn right about everything (namely, the various evils of our vacuous contemporary existence).  Never quite as misunderstood as they’d like to believe; readers often nod in agreement and talk about the book in question, but swiftly forgotten once a more venomous chap enters the fray.

Observationist – Quietly watches and waits, most often attaching themselves to chatty groups of disenfranchised indie kids, noting down snippets of wit and whimsy.  They think of themselves as cunning social commentators; cynics dub them Opportunists.

Seeker of the fame and the glory – Unavoidable truth: all writers crave acclaim, whether they admit it or not.  Gain respect by not pretending that your work is nothing more than a quaint hobby/soul-consuming compulsion that you do for your own amusement/therapeutic reasons.  We know that you’ve already rehearsed your interviews numerous times already – more reason to get it right whence the hallowed day arrives.

As you have already gleaned, there is much in the way of crossover and hazy distinctions in this, the minefield that is the literary scene.  Be clear in your own mind as to which type of writer you are going to become and hope for the best (the rest of the world may not apply the same writer-label, but that’s part of the fun; think of it as an obstacle-laden quest for acceptance and acclaim).  Your journey is sure to be long, arduous and largely unfulfilling, but that’s pretty much the point.  There is absolutely no point in styling yourself as a writer if you can’t bitch about it every step of the way.  There are numerous blogs and forums for this very purpose.  Make us proud.

Next week: Discover your ‘process’.