Would-be Writer’s Master Class – Lesson One

Lesson One: Define Yourself

Congratulations – you’ve decided to join the literary elite.  That’s a very big and brave decision, so you should probably go get yourself a tasty beverage and have a little rest before attempting to negotiate your way towards the next step.

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Now that you’re feeling suitably refreshed, it’s time to make yet another big decision and choose your writing identity.  This is very important as it will help dictate your style, work pattern, and what to put on your shiny new business cards.  Because we understand how scary and downright baffling the glorious (yet harsh) world of words can be, we have penned a special list of options, just for you.  We suggest you have a proper look and then treat yourself to a hearty chunk of thinking time.  It’s okay to consume another beverage whilst doing this.

Compulsive - ‘If I don’t scribble down my insightful slices of wit/genius/woe right now my mind will literally implode in a sticky, angst-ridden mess.’  The compulsive may not necessarily enjoy their craft – many even loathe it – but feel they have no choice.  Imagine, if you will, a body on fire:  that is the compulsive.  Writing is akin to stepping under a cold shower; an otherwise non-fun activity that provides necessary respite from the burning pain at the very base of their soul. It is their calling.

Tortured genius – Similar to above, but with the possibility that their observations are indeed interesting and insightful.  This burden is understandably difficult to endure, such are the limits of your feeble human form.  Try to avoid seeking solace in alcohol, opium or whatever sweet release propositions itself.  Your reward will come in another life.

Drunk/junkie – Tries to justify zeal for oblivion by posing as a writer, but evidence of their craft is usually ‘destroyed’ in angry bouts of self-loathing.

Dreamer – ‘I want to write, but I just don’t know what about…’  Otherwise known as Not a Writer.

Delusionist – Mistakes their prolific output for works of art and has yet to realise that friends are posting their work on point-and-laugh sites.  The literary equivalent of a car crash, except where the driver thinks they’re still driving.

Good poet – Evokes various elements of the human condition in an array of elegant and quietly affecting musings.

Bad poet – Believes that they are doing the above simply by omitting punctuation and capital letters.

Memoir miserablist – Taints the literary world with details of their oft fabricated abusive/difficult childhood and/or time in rehab.  A self-righteous tone is essential; ditto details of horrific depravity coupled with triumph of the human spirit.  Spreading your misery over a series of books is an inspired way of bumping up your notoriety and royalties.

One-time wonder – Breaks through with a lifetime’s labour of love.  They may only have one novel inside them, but they have the sense to make it a damn good one. Relatives usually mob up the cash after an untimely demise.

Obsessive  - The computer programmer of literature: they embody the quasi mythical idea of a ‘real’ writer, leaving their musty writing space only when their devoted man-slave comes to air out the room and remove bottles of urine and what not.  Unlike the Compulsive, the Obsessive enjoys writing for its own sake.  Their sheer drive ensures that even the most talentless hack is likely to improve their skill (or lack thereof) over time.  They have clocked up their 10,000 hours before they hit puberty, whilst the rest of the scene was still immersed in navel gazing folly. Once their genius reaches its inevitable peak, they will be forced to publish under a myriad of jazzy pseudonyms so as not to flood the unsuspecting market.

Talentless hack – Are full aware that they lack skill and imagination, but find a way to get crowd-pleasing sludge out into the world.  Again, and again, and again.  They have a formula and – hackneyed as it may well be – stick to it and reap the rewards of multiple literary offenses. The Hack often crosses paths with the Memoir Miserablist.

Slacker – Lives on the margins of a society they both love and hate, but is too lazy or dedicated to rejecting the twisted ideals of their parents to pen down their biting analysis of the hypocrisy and farce all around them to actually write anything of substance.  Opportunists hover nearby to hoover up tasty sound bites.

Angry young man – Young, angry, and goddamn right about everything (namely, the various evils of our vacuous contemporary existence).  Never quite as misunderstood as they’d like to believe; readers often nod in agreement and talk about the book in question, but swiftly forgotten once a more venomous chap enters the fray.

Observationist – Quietly watches and waits, most often attaching themselves to chatty groups of disenfranchised indie kids, noting down snippets of wit and whimsy.  They think of themselves as cunning social commentators; cynics dub them Opportunists.

Seeker of the fame and the glory – Unavoidable truth: all writers crave acclaim, whether they admit it or not.  Gain respect by not pretending that your work is nothing more than a quaint hobby/soul-consuming compulsion that you do for your own amusement/therapeutic reasons.  We know that you’ve already rehearsed your interviews numerous times already – more reason to get it right whence the hallowed day arrives.

As you have already gleaned, there is much in the way of crossover and hazy distinctions in this, the minefield that is the literary scene.  Be clear in your own mind as to which type of writer you are going to become and hope for the best (the rest of the world may not apply the same writer-label, but that’s part of the fun; think of it as an obstacle-laden quest for acceptance and acclaim).  Your journey is sure to be long, arduous and largely unfulfilling, but that’s pretty much the point.  There is absolutely no point in styling yourself as a writer if you can’t bitch about it every step of the way.  There are numerous blogs and forums for this very purpose.  Make us proud.

Next week: Discover your ‘process’.