At first, it appears to be dominated by fantastically beautiful girls that leave, often quite suddenly, leaving a trail of broken menfolk in their collective wake.

And it is.

But rest assured that some of the girls simply die, or lose their minds, or get lost at sea, adding a touch of variation to the proceedings.

Here’s how it breaks down:

Girlfriends that leave = 20

Girlfriends that die, or are already dead = 6

Far-too-beautiful girlfriends = 11

Girlfriends for whom smoking is their main/only pastime = 4

Creepy/lovestruck girlfriends = 3

Heartbreaker girlfriends = 26

Unfaithful girlfriends  = 12

Mean girlfriends = 6

Kidnapped girlfriends = 1

Plain-looking girlfriends = 2

Not-so-bright girlfriends = 5

Girlfriends of questionable sanity = 6

Lost at sea = 1

Washed up ashore = 1

Happy couples = 4

Intelligent girlfriends = 1

Unemployed girlfriends = 3

Find a proper-ish review on Hand+Star

Here’s what we have learnt from this shameful frenzy:

• Palin thought Obama said made some good points during his campaign and that he is good at speaking
• She is able to write at an eighth grade level, making her a ‘solid’ communicator (as a point of reference, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address scored 9.1 on the same scale, and Martin Luther King, Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech scored 8.8.)
• ‘Alaskanisms’ are woefully underused
• Scandalous gossip made her think about quitting (but alas, our little trooper stood firm)
• Palin is wary of the media (an apparent ‘flaw’).  She is also ‘ambitious’ (shocking for a would-be presidential candidate)
• The phrase ‘holy frippin’ crap’ is almost endearing and sure to be ping ponging itself all over the shop by now
• God is called upon to help with the big Qs
• These are all things we mostly already knew

Fluff and frenzy aside, it’s interesting how some papers, including the Washington Post, New York Times and the Guardian, invited readers to do the hard work for them, offering a once-in-a-lifetime chance to whittle away our futile lives by trawling through Ms Palin’s not-so-dirty laundry.  Already, those with far too much time and very little life have flocked to the Guardian to throw in their sterling’s worth of two cents after wading through the dishwater-dull waters of the raw data – 24,199 papery pages of it.

In return for their drudgery, these folk get to see a little something for themselves before the story has been spun through the laptops of journos worldwide.  Yes, it’s boring and painful and pointless, but let’s not forget that the mass media is mostly evil and mediates all of our infotaining fodder.  Just break down the word ‘representation’ if you think I’m being weird (or even worse, wrong).  That’s right; everything we see, read and hear is being re-presented and re-packaged for easy consumption and so is only ever someone else’s take on a story (even the word ‘story’ implies that a narrative is being placed on much larger chunks of information).  This may have been a mere case of large-scale delegation, but it’s sort of nice that us non-media folk had a chance to play, and uh, would now rather be spoon-fed from now on. Victory is… um … not quite ours.

• Choose from tiny dogs, lumpy dogs, hairy dogs and ones that can be programmed to whisper your name.**
• All puppies probably don’t have worms, fleas, or rabies.  Some items may have incurred minor emotional and structural damage (discounts ahoy!).
• Want a pup with extra pep?  Super zany puppies are available for a one off top-up fee.

Since this service is subject to a smidgeon of scrutiny by law-abiders, we only accept cash payments, sans receipt.  Simply email us your phone number and we’ll take care of the rest.

…

*After payment has cleared, of course.  Those who can’t stump up the cash cannot take advantage of short-term puppy love.

** Until a diverse range of puppies are sourced and sanitised, choice is limited to black puppies that answer to ‘Harold’.

Get a new lease of life with a new lung and suck in a few extra hours. Liver had enough? Chuck a new one in your trolly and get trashed like you’re 14 all over again.  Bliss.

Our extensive range of Value organs means it’s more affordable than ever before to make do and mend.  All items are harvested within 5 days of maturation and approved by the British Organ Relocation Authority.

If you fancy something a little special, treat yourself to something from our Finest range.  Each organ is grown from prime infant stock and guaranteed to last a good five years – subject, of course, to proper aftercare.

Our installation fee varies from item to item, depending on the complexity of the transition.  Compatibility tests are essential in order to determine the suitability of the hosting environment. To get the greatest benefit from your new Tesco organ we recommend you choose from our competitively priced reconciliation and acclimatisation packages.*

Buy one get one free on eyeballs and testicles of all sizes – mix & match for great deals on head-to-toe modifiation.

This month we’re offering triple points for every kidney – save up for a new heart in time for summer and impress friends and family with some good ol’ get up and go.

* Details available upon request.

*Subject to availability.

*Terms and conditions apply.

Dear Valued Customer,

Your Nectar usage report has flagged up a repeat purchase of a particular item: in the past [30] days you have purchased [16] bottles of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95).  For high volume and high frequency purchases of this nature, we are legally obligated to write to you.

We are sure you are one of the many responsible UK consumers who drinks alcoholic beverages in moderation, but to ensure you continue to make informed choices regarding your consumption, we have enclosed a handy guide that helps you keep taps on the number of appropriate alcoholic units.  Simply select your drink of choice – in your case Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) – and turn the wheel to reveal the daily allocated number of units.  We are sure you are aware that this figure is a recommended limit, rather than a goal.

We are, of course, aware that the most likely scenario is simply that you, valued customer, appreciate the excellent value Sainsbury’s offers on branded alcoholic products and are merely stocking up for the summer (garden parties ahoy!) with the intention of sharing your [16] litres of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) with a great number of close friends and/or work related acquaintances.

If this is indeed the case, we’d like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention some other products from the Russian Standard range which may be of interest:

Russian Standard Platinum - “Upping the ante on perfection, this sensuous elixir blends timeless savoir-faire with state-of-the-art sophistication.” Introductory Offer! 1 litre for £15.00 (usually priced at £21.98)

Russian Standard Imperia – “The ultimate distillation of years of experience and vodka science, brought together with an exciting dash of Russian Standard élan, Imperia is the definitive luxury vodka of its era.” Introductory Offer! 1 litre for £25.00 (usually priced at £34.75)

On the off chance that you are in fact consuming [16] litres of Russian Standard Vodka (special offer: £10, reduced from £14.95) at an alarming rate, we have also enclosed some NHS literature, a nifty little flip-book of what your liver will look like in 2, 6 and 12 months’ time, plus details of your nearest AA Meeting.  We value your loyal custom, and appreciate that prolonging your life is financially advantageous. Consider us your friend.

On an unrelated note, you may also be pleased to learn that our own brand of vodka is a mere £8.83 per litre and can be found in our Basics range.

Courtesy of VHS (and youtube) the very best of Beadle “from the comfort of your own home.”

Be not alarmed by the portentous premise of ‘poetry’ – the key word here is actually the other one.  That’s right, it’s all about the PERFORMANCE.  See how we put that bit in block caps? That’s because being a performer means being larger than life; you need to get right up in people’s awestruck little faces and grind them to dust.

Persona

First things first – decide who you are.  This is not the same as who you actually are.  A healthy dose of reinvention will be required, as, let’s face it, no one want’s to see a mumbling writerly type stumbling around on stage and squinting at their notes.  A bold and snappy stage name is essential.  A costume is not.

Themes

You will be expected to say things.  Rhyme & rhythm will prompt the masses to jizz buckets o’ brownie points your way, but in case anyone’s listening closely to the actual words, you can capitalise by paying lip service to a Hot Topic.  Making reference to hardship, degradation, and suicide always go down nicely.  Think ‘acceptable’ controversy, sticking it to man (still a winner) and tantalising tales straight from the streets. For the love of God, do not recite something delicate, nuanced or quietly affecting.  No one wants to hear about your feelings, no matter how profound or subtle you’re being.  Alas, the stage does not welcome understatement.  By and by, if you fancy doing stand-up but with some rhyming couplets, that’s all good.  Be sure to throw in some vaguely political asides for good measure.

Delivery

This is essential – the stage is hot for style but indifferent to substance.  If you can rap, you’re sorted.  Failing that, speaking rilly rilly fast and laying down some fat, ultra-loud rhymes will evoke a similar degree of appreciation.  Don’t worry if you’re rendered incoherent, the audience will simply assume that you’re spewing something clever and edgy.  Incidentally, it should go without saying that memorising your text is the only way to be taken seriously; failing that, reciting from your iphone or stuff scribbled on your had (‘I wrote this one on the way here’) is just about acceptable.  Bringing a notebook or – god forbid – folder with lovingly plastic-walleted pages, is a big no no.  On occasion you may spy a ‘published poet’ performing something from their collection/pamphlet/chapbook, but rest assured they are almost certainly an uber-twat. Or a member of the coveted elite, depending on your stance.

Gesticulation

Don’t forget to do this.  Moving your body to emphasise your message can’t ever go wrong. Flailing around erratically and decsending into the rapt crowd is a killah move if done near the end of your set.  Consider it your climax - choreograph with care.

Promotion

This is the fun bit.  Stick a mugshot of your mug with a mic in pleasing proximity on facebook and update whenever you do a new slam.  Love it up with other performers to build up a nifty little following.  Obsess over maxing up more fans whilst pretending you’re all about being niche, yah.

Inner Angst

Yeah, that ain’t going nowhere.  Stick your head down a toilet (preferably fresh with vomit) whenever you can steal a ‘moment’ and lament how there will never be sufficient acclaim to feel accepted and understood.  You are a poet; carry your burden with grace.

Romantic Entanglements

Will you score?  Inevitably. Just be aware that practically everyone else on the circuit (yup, including the so called audience) will be another of your kind.  If they’re an aspiring poet, they’ll resent your superior skills, and if (hypothetically, of course) their rhymes outshine yours… either way, there’s zero scope for anything long-term here.  The other minefield is skanking it up too much and having no neutrals left in your circle.  When this occurs, it’s time to try out another city.  Tell people you’re On Tour.

Bertie sits on my desk and whispers comforting secrets near to my right ear.

Bertie inspires in me a fierce love yet unknown to my humble heart.

Bertie is not named after the king in the film people have been viewing of late.

Bertie is not Veronica, the sister succulent left to languish at a Homebase in NW10.

It is too late for Veronica, but Bertie is safe, Bertie is mine.